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The Hedgehog Cloaking Device

Home Forums Hedgehog tales The Hedgehog Cloaking Device

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  • #6555

    In the first week of June I would normally come here full of tales of much skulduggery and radical revolutionary fervour from the left-wing brood of hogs that surround my garden. It all started off in fine style with the newcomer, Britney, providing a challenge to the fearsome power of Kim Jong Madge. The latter was displaying a determination not to put up with this young upstart and was seen out on the town every evening being her usual shameless self:

    Now things have changed. There has been no sign of the rest of the gang – Chantelle, Jayden, Troy, Ashlee, Damon and Dillon – and I can only come to three possible conclusions. They’ve found someone else to torment; they have finally perfected the much rumoured cloaking device from last year or, well, the third is just too much to contemplate….

    I’ve spent many an evening on the patio on my lonesome without being surrounded, intimidated or trodden on. The food is still going, the fence tunnels are still used and the visiting cards still cover the patio. The tell-tale signs of circling gigolos are in the grass and the bristle door mat has had it’s usual over-enthusiastic assault by a myopic male. On the other hand the two new luxurious bungalows have not been disturbed, at all; the night camera is only picking up hogs one at a time rather than the previous massed demonstrations of 4 ot 5 at a time and I’ve yet to hear a cacophony of smut coming from behind the viburnum.

    If it’s the cloaking device then it’s working brilliantly and they’re managing to be completely invisible. There is always the very deeply troubling possibility which should put fear into the hearts of anyone in the vicinity……. have they started behaving like, ummmmm, well……. hedgehogs???


    No sooner than I’d written the above about the incredible invisible hedgehogs it’s to be expected that all hell would break loose. As I’ve mentioned before, since they stole my spare smartphone my local gang have been monitoring the internet and no doubt out there on the “dark web” hatching plots and sharing designs for trail camera defeat devices. They clearly saw my post and thought “Let’s have him!”.

    Starting this week they have resumed overt offensive activities and causing grief before it gets really dark. Just last night I was out surveying my estate when one of the brutes decided he didn’t want me around and proceeded to charge straight at me on the patio three times!

    Just standing there minding my own business and out from the foxgloves comes Dillon, at speed, onto the patio. Not stopping to sniff anything he headed straight for my feet. With the grace of a leaping salmon (not) I side-stepped him which seemed to come as surprise and he curled up. Deftly moving to behind him I waited and he uncurled, looked about and headed straight back at me! He must have a thing about Uggs slippers I thought. Moving behind again the same scenario occurred but this time, with all the courage I could muster, I stood my ground. 2″ from collision he stopped, turned around and headed for the Dianthus. I’ll get him tonight, I’m going to change my shoes and put shorts on. Let’s see if he dares try the same tactics against that gruesome onslaught!

    Meanwhile I am pretty convinced that that Chantelle has hoglets back in the nest. She’s coming out much earlier in the evening, eating shedloads in seconds then heading home at speed. Classic behaviour from an unmarried mother with young revolutionaries being fattened up. This could get ugly very soon. Anyway, here she is…

    All this time Her Majesty Madge has hardly been seen. I know she’s about but is obviously saving her energy for motivating the ground troops rather than leading the charge herself. She’ll no doubt be multiplying soon (she’s a right old benefits generator is Madge) and then we’ll have a whole new army to deal with. It’s hard to describe the tension in the air as the annual running battles with rabid revolutionary hogs gets into full swing. Hamsters must be so much easier.


    I wouldn’t take the assault on your slippers too personally William, if they’ve been surfing the internet again (you really must keep your phones out of reach) they will probably be only too aware of the fate of their favourite MP and representative in parliament Oliver Colvile. I suspect that it may not just be hedgehogs that feel like venting their frustrations; at least Ugg slippers are a much softer option than banging your head against a brick wall!

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