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The siege has begun

Home Forums Hedgehog tales The siege has begun

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    We’ve now reached that time of year when my evening visits to the patio become somewhat nervy affairs since I don’t know which of the little horrors may be lurking under the viburnum ready to teleport across the garden and cause me to have to change my trousers. We’ve been watching them on the Ltl Acorn camera for two months but have now started getting close encounters of the live kind….

    Two days ago came the first face-off of the season against the deranged diva that is Madge. She boldly came out through the dianthus, looked me up and down, shrugged her shoulders, muttered “do I look bovvered?” and headed off to the pub (aka a seed tray full of water where the hooligans gather to hatch their dastardly plots). Not even a moment’s staring contest, just a dismissive look and got on with it. She clearly means business this year!

    Last night we had a new insurgent, clearly a terrorist in disguise this one. With a very, very pale face this one looks absolutely sickly sweet (clever disguise!) and has never been seen in these parts previously. Clearly Madge has been recruiting elsewhere over the winter and this one seems very experienced in completely ignoring people. We just charged out of the bushes, across the lawn and entered the Mk2 Cat Proof Hedge Feeding Station without a care in the world. That ugly bloke on the patio? Pathetic mere human. Can’t touch this.

    Btw, the Mk2 Cat Proof Hedgehog Feeding Station is pictured here (without a hedgehog because they refused to pose)…

    This has been a great success with the local feline type git having given up trying to access it and the hogs are more than happy, or so I thought. On checking it this morning there had been much activity in there, a lot of fevered scratching about and I can only conclude that they’re digging a tunnel under the dinner plate. This is no doubt another attempt to get into my house!

    On Wednesday I shall truly throw a spanner in the works when I make a trip to Guantanamo Bay to fetch the two mercenaries that have been imprisoned there over the winter. Beyonce and Chardonnay will no doubt cause a stir when they’re unleashed on Madge’s patch; two new girls all toughened up and ready to mount a counter-revolution to pinch all Madge’s admirers. I fully expect chaos to ensue without any thought for me, the poor beseiged oik that thinks he actually owns this garden.

    It’s only just begun…..


    Yes the hogs around here are getting more brazen by the day too. I ventured onto the patio last night to investigate yet more thuggery and check out Simba’s new attire of yellow stripes. Despite a torch being shone in the old boy’s face at my feet, he continued giving me the ‘evil eye ‘and then calmly walked off to give his rival another bashing! Mind you, there’s no wonder he’s more bad tempered than usual, the ladies are giving him the cold shoulder in favour of his younger rivals and with his newly acquired splodges of yellow paint, his modelling career is definitely over!

    Love the names for the new recruits – I think somebody’s been watching too much ‘Jeremy Kyle’ – Madge will certainly have her work cut out with that pair!


    Update: the arrivals of Beyonce and Chardonnay have been delayed due to it being very, very, cold at night this week. Probably not the best time for noob hedgepigs to discover the wild!

    Meanwhile the new sickly sweet insurgent terrorist with the pale face has a temporary name until we determine what flavour it is. For the moment we’re an honorary girlie named Britney 😀


    great reading this


    Ah tis the season once again of wining and dining (and even whining) and my little buggers are full of the joys of spring and dutch courage.
    Hermione (featherwight 620g punches above her weight and swears like a trooper) has once more declared that whilst she is dining no one else gets a look in and that includes Herman (heavyweight 1.4kg wuss) She will shout and swear and threaten all sorts of dastardly deeds and if that doesn’t work, usually she shouts so hard she goes backwards, she will charge and push everyone else away.
    Tiggy is in the mood for luurve and as a result i have a new male who has turned up.
    I haven’t weighed him or marked him yet as he is still a bit wary and shy and has a cool deer in the headlights look when he realises i can see him.

    He started off with the usual wooing and cooing but since Tiggy likes her noms he was soundly rebuffed with a “bugger orf, i am eating my dinner (in the voice of Waynetta Slob)
    After an hour or so of being roundly snubbed no matter which way he circled he headed off for a rethink and a look at the hog karma sutra for inspiration.

    Night same ritual again before Tiggy headed off to my dying greenhouse to have a row with Hermione and Nursie (680g face like a slapped arse).
    Once silence had mostly descended along comes our hopeful challenger for the paw of Tiggy who, upon seeing him wandering over all lovelorn and hopeful backed her rear end up against the greenhouse and proceeded to call him unladylike names.
    This had no effect as he tried to woo her by circling.
    After 30 mins of him finding his way blocked by the greenhouse and having his lineage insulted roundly he scuttled off to the rear of the greenhouse by the compost bin.
    As this was new territory to him he had a wander round and found he could get into the greenhouse via a missing pane and then out through the front door.

    I could see his little hoggy noggin working overtime.
    He wandered round the side and crashed into Tiggy who was not best pleased.
    Cue more swearing.
    He then realised that he could strut his funky stuff if he went round her to the greenhouse side, along the side, crashing through the greenhouse and out the front and along the side till her swearing let him know he had arrived whereupon he repeated.
    It might have worked since she is putting on weight, i gave him 10/10 for effort.
    It will however upset Junior (1 kg and a true romeo) since he is Tiggy’s usual beau.

    Hermione is a sucker for Bungle (940g face looks like he ran into a wall which is why nursie looks like him unfortunately) he must have something since it isn’t looks.

    Edmond and Edwina (siblings 9606, 860g) are more interested in food at the moment so we shall see who woose whom.

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